Hello again, Internet!
This is a confession that I’ve been meaning to write out for some time now, but I haven’t been able to figure out the correct way to put it out there. This upcoming Saturday is my original wedding date. This is the weekend Alex and I had been planning to get married when we first got engaged and were planning the big day. If I had went through with it I’d probably be driving myself insane this week. But we pushed it back. I just couldn’t bring myself to plan the wedding at the time. It had absolutely nothing to do with Alex and my relationship, but it had a lot to do with outside people and situations that I just couldn’t handle at the time.
When I first started working fulltime, I was having some pretty intense mental breakdowns. I would just come home and cry in my room every night. (Poor Alex.) They continued when we moved into our new place. I was working fulltime evening shift and driving home at 11:30 at night. Anything would set me off: The deer running out in the middle of the roads, the quiet compared to Philly, no matter how hard I tried I was always screwing something up at work, plus my job constantly talked about layoffs the first few months I was there..….it all just freaked the crap out of me. And I would just come home to a quiet house (Alex worked day shift so he was usually in bed or going to bed when I got home), and wake up the next morning to no one.
It slowly is getting better. Alex let me bring Boosh to live with us. We were originally not going to have any animals but I was just too depressed without my boopakins. So he arranged with my parents to have them bring the cat up to my place. He’s helped with so much of my loneliness it’s unreal. Fellow animal lovers will know what I’m talking about, right?
And there’s also the fact that I slowly started distancing myself more and more from people who make me feel not so great. Let me say, this is not a personal attack on ANYONE. But you just grow apart from people. It happens. And I just got tired of hanging out with people who only wanted to talk crap about another one of our friends, or finding out that I was the one who was being talked about by someone. It’s just not fun and at my age, I am just trying to find people I can chill with. Live and let live. That’s where I’m at right now.
I have had friends tell me they can’t be happy for me. They have gotten angry with me because I got engaged before they thought they would. Talked about me behind my back if I had to work rather than hang out, didn’t say this or go there, really anything. Maybe it’s silly to get worked up over things like this but I just don’t want to deal with it. I’d rather hang out with people who won’t criticize someone’s every move. Who will say they are your friend and actually mean it.
Let me just say, my current group of friends is AMAZING. I seriously think pushing my wedding back was a smart decision. When I think about how planning a wedding before would have been with planning it now, it’s insane to me how different the experiences would have been. My bridesmaids are awesome. I’ve made friends in the past few months that I feel closer to than people I’ve known since gradeschool. I am out in my apartment in the middle of nowhere, handling things my way. No one else’s crap, family or friends, is relevant to what I’m doing.
I still have a lot to work through. I’ve considered going to therapy, but I don’t know if I have the patience to hear myself spilling my crap every single week. Right now I’m just trying to live my life. Some days feel horrible. Some feel amazing. I just need to remind myself that despite the circumstances they are ALL amazing.